Meandering Thoughts

Two Visits, Including Christmas

2009-12-30T02:33:00.003-05:00

About three months ago, Nathan's mom dropped Nathan and my older son and I off at an indoor play place. It was nice to see the "boys"...can't believe one is now 21 yrs old, having a lot fun together. I love that Matt will get right in there and play with Nathan. I managed to get a couple of pictures of them together before the batteries in my camera died. After playing, Nathan's mom picked us up and she and the four of us went out for dinner. Nathan is a picky eater. For years he has loved a certain kind of soup, that they get at an ethnic restaurant. So, that's where we went for dinner. Matt and I tried food I have never tried before. It was a nice experience.

Dec 19, Matt and I went to visit Nathan and his family for our Christmas visit. Holy, crazy busy household given Nathan's sisters are now 2 and a half and he's almost 6. Remember I have an empty nest now with Matt off at college. For a short time, it just seemed like too much going on for me!

I gave Nathan two playdoh sets. The first one he opened, "Oh no, not again!" I asked him what was wrong? Apparently he already had that set. So much for having checked with his mom what to get him given I never know what he already has. She has forgotten this was the first set she got him. Oh well, he loved the second set and said, "oh wow, just want I wanted for Christmas. I love it! Thank you!" His sisters gifts were a hit with all three children. Nathan decided he wanted their gift too! He had to be reminded to share with his sisters nicely as these were the girl's gifts.

I received a number of gifts but two that will forever be very special to me. Nathan made me a Christmas card that he wrote and it includes two pics of all three kids with Santa and is signed, "Love Nathan" This is the first card he has made me, hasn't even signed cards in the past, so really very special. Secondly, videos from the year from his parents. I haven't had the time to watch them yet but am really looking forward to doing so. I particularly want to see the video of him playing hockey. It's his first year playing and his mom says he's really improved since the video was taken. But to even get a glimpse of this, will be special...I have a feeling it will make me cry.

We managed to get a pic of the 7 of us. We only have one other of all seven of us. Most often there is no one else around during our visits to take a pic that includes us all. So, I had to ask if we could get this pic before their nanny went home.

Apparently I Suck at Blogging

2009-12-13T19:18:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. Although I am an open book and want to share, document and educate, there is a struggle as N's parents are not the open book I am. They are rather reserved. So I struggle with just how much to share so publically. We all know the adoption community is small. So I have spent a long time thinking about this and will try to walk that fine line of sharing but not sharing too much. Problem is, my too much and their too much are likely not even close. Hence the long absence.

I'll be back soon, promise.

Sneek Peek

2009-05-16T00:38:00.003-04:00

Here is a tiny sneak peek until after the long weekend because Montreal, here I come, for the first time ever!

Excitement in the Air!

2009-05-14T05:09:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I have blogged here but this blog shall not die! It's time to revive it. I can look back and see how much I have not documented and now I wish I had. It's important to document this open adoption journey and hopefully some day it will mean a lot to my son that I have documented our time together.

I am excited for Friday to get here. It will be only the second time ever, that I will be able to go out in the community with Nathan and enjoy a little one on one time with him. The first time was the week he turned four, (maybe it was three but I think it was four) when we enjoyed two hrs at McDonald's together. We had lunch there and I learned that like his older brother, my little sweetheart loves extra pickles on his hamburger. We then open birthday gifts and he was none to pleased to receive yet another book. "Not another book, I have a million books" *Sigh*. I haven't forgotten that one but I want him to share my love of books so I will continue to get him books. He perked up when I gave him a game for his Leapster. So this was our last outing together.

This time we are going to a park together. I imagine his mom will drop us off, like she had last time. I will be sure to have my camera along with me. After some time in the park, little guy's parents and siblings will join us and we will all go for ice cream at his favourite place. A one on one outing and ice cream? It's no wonder excitement is in the air!

Happy Birthday Precious Little Guy!

2008-03-05T15:39:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe that it's been almost four and a half years since I stood in a lawyer's office hugging Nathan's parents after first setting eyes on them. The exact day we met was November 2, 2003. Almost four months to the day later, March 5th, our little sweetheart was born. Has four years really already passed? It goes so quick! The days leading up to his birthday, I tend to be hyper alert, thinking about him and his family even more than I already do. March 5th is a day that I always think of "my little guy" from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY SWEET NATHAN! I love you.

Conflicting Emotions

2008-03-03T21:15:00.003-05:00

It was one year ago today or tomorrow that we lost my stepdad. Noone was home with him so we are not sure when he died, can only guess based on what he was doing at the time. My stepdad was really my dad as he raised me from age four. He meant the world to me. Besides my elder son, dad was the only member of my family who supported my decision to place my baby for adoption. He was also the only one who supported openness and had a relationship with N. That makes his loss all the more difficult. Dad and my elder son, Matt, were the only two family members to whom I could openly talk about N and his family.

It's my birthson's fourth birthday on Wednesday. It was actually that day, one year ago that I found out that my dad was gone. As most birthmother's will attest, our birth child's birthday is an odd day emotionally. Adding to that the emotions of finding out that day that we had lost my dad, made it even more difficult. I find I am sad leading up to N's bday. Then the day of his birthday, I usually feel a weird mixture of being sad and yet so happy all in one. Makes for an emotional week. Friday I will actually be taking him out to lunch! I am still in shock at that one, as it's a first for us. His mom will be dropping us off at McDonald's and picking us up. We will enjoy the hamburgers or chicken nuggets or whatever it is that Nathan like's to eat at McDonald's and then have fun playing!

Sometimes it's Difficult

2008-02-21T23:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes being a birthmom is really difficult. Today was one of those tough emotional days. Thinking too much....

Adoption Connections - Canada Adoption Forum & Parent Registry

2007-11-21T03:56:00.001-05:00

Just to clarify as I have had a number of people ask for clarification, the website I mentioned in my previous entry is called Adoption Connections not Adoption Connection. It is an adoption website based out of Canada. The site has an adoption forum, a parent registry where individuals considering adoption can locate adoptive parents, and consultation services that assist adoptive parents with writing an adoption profile. You may locate Adoption Connections at www.adoptionconnections.ca

Adoption Connections

2007-11-13T12:55:00.000-05:00

I am very excited about my new venture. In October I became the new owner of a new canadian adoption website. The site is called Adoption Connections and can be found at www.adoptionconnections.ca. Although the site is based out of Ontario, Canada, visitors have come from a number of countries and are welcome to participate. Have questions about the adoption system in Canada? Want to share your story or find others in your situation to talk with? Join in the Adoption Connections forums. Whether you are an adoptive parent, hopeful adoptive parents, considering adoption for your child, a birth parent, an adoptee or any other member of an adoptive or birth family, there is someone else at Adoption Connections who has been where you are now. The Adoption Connections forums are a means of supporting others in the adoption community.

Adoption Connections offers a brand new forum and all members of the triad, as well as their extended families are welcome on the forums. Adoption Connections also offers a Parent Registry where couples can have their profile displayed so that potential birth families can easily find the family they are seeking.

Adoption Connections also offers consulting services on your profile. If you don't know where to start and would like a little guidance and direction, as well as feedback on your profile, I would be happy to assist you. There is a link on the site that explains this service.

Our sister site, www.adoptionprofiles.ca is an excellent site for those wishing assistance with giving their profile that extra zip. I have seen profiles that Charmaine has put together and they are beautiful and really capture the essence of each adoptive family. There is a link on Adoption Connections to Adoption Profiles.

We hope to see you at www.adoptionconnections.ca soon.

Funny Boy

2007-10-25T02:17:00.000-04:00

I asked Paula what Nathan was going to be for Halloween. I got quite the chuckle from her reply. Here it is: "Nathan is going as Bob the Builder, however, he keeps telling people that he’s going as a gardener standing on a stick!" Where do kids get these things from? :)

A Wonderful Visit!

2007-10-06T19:11:00.000-04:00

I am still on a high from the wonderful day that September 16th turned out to be. My son Matthew moved out in late August to go to school in another city. September 16th we had a visit with Nathan and his family. So I got to see Matt too and it's always wonderful to see the boys together. I miss Matt so it was nice to spend that time together.

However that wasn't even the most wonderful part. Our visits with Nathan and his family are usually two to three hours long. This latest visit was seven hours long. The exciting part is that Nathan was practically glued to me. Usually I have to convince him to play with me. Naturally he would rather play with Matthew or play or cuddle with his parents. Usually when we walk in the door he yells, "Matt, Matt, Matt". He has never shown excitement in seeing me at previous visits. This time Matt arrived 30 mins before I did and when I arrived Nathan come to the door yelling, "Shelley, Shelley, Shelley". Needless to say that made me smile.

We spent a couple of hours playing. Matt, Nathan and I played together and after a while Matt was hanging out with Nathan's dad and Nathan and I spent some time playing just the two of us. You know boys and dirt, well we dug up dirt with his trucks for quite some time. It was fun to be playing with Nathan for a length of time rather then just a few mins here and there. I got pictures of the boys playing with the trucks and dirt together, as well as pictures of Nathan and I playing in the dirt.

Nathan, Matt and George had fun in the pool while I took pictures of them. It's really very special to see Matt and Nathan laughing together. I also absolutely adore watching Nathan with his dad.

At one point, I went into the house as I could hear Nathan's sister's both crying and his mom was alone with both babies in the house. I had left Nathan outside with his dad and Matthew. I took one of the girls to her room and was rocking her and feeding her. That brought back memories of doing that with both Matthew and Nathan. After only a few mins Nathan's mom brought Nathan up and sat him on the foot stool in front of me. Paula said that Nathan had been looking for me and wanted to talk to me. He sat there and talked up a storm. It was so wonderful. He's so funny. He was explaining to me that he had two baby sisters, named Brianne and Jacqueline but he didn't know which one I was feeding. I told him that I was feeding Brianne and he told me again how there were "two babies but I don't know which one this is". It was so cute and funny.

As I was feeling Brianne, Nathan was asking me to read him a book. After I burped Brianne and put her to bed, Nathan and I climbed into his bed together to read story books. He immediately cuddled right up to me. He doesn't usually do that. We read two stories, one about Valentine's Day and one about Halloween. I was loving having him cuddled right into me like he was. In the midst of the second story I went to get Matt to come and take pictures. We got some really wonderful pictures. I will definately have to blow at least one of them up and frame it.

While reading the story about Halloween I told Nathan that Halloween is Matt's birthday. He asked, "Matt who?" That was so funny because Nathan adores Matthew. I told him, "Matthew that's downstairs with your dad, your brother Matthew". I have always referred to Matt as Nathan's brother to him and Nathan has never questioned it before. I knew one day it would happen. He said, "Matt's not my brother" and had this really confused look on his face. I told him that Matt was his brother and he could ask his mom about it. He said "ok". Nathan doesn't know the full story yet. He knows that he grew in my "belly" but he doesn't understand and he doesn't know the term birthmother yet. I felt a little pang when he said that Matt wasn't his brother but I also understood how he wouldn't get it yet. He'll get there. Over a year ago I gave him the children's book, "A Koala for Katie". I saw it on his nightstand and it was well worn. George also mentioned that they are now reading it to him. So I know the education is happening and that some day he will understand our relationship. Nathan wanted me to read him a third story but it was time for dinner.

We also had ice cream and Nathan wanted me to sit at his little plastic table with him to eat our ice cream. I have some pretty funny pictures of me with my long legs sitting at that tiny table. It was so wonderful that he wanted me there.

Interestingly enough, I discovered that two foods I really can't stand, mustard and blueberries, are also foods that Nathan doesn't like. That was kind of neat to find out.

I definately felt special and like Nathan and I are finally starting to connect. I will never forget that visit. This is one that I definately need to scrapbook and soon before my memories fade. It seems I was not the only one who was pleased with this visit. Paula emailed me and shared that the next morning Nathan was asking when Matt and I will be coming to visit again.

I have never sent Nathan anything in the mail before. I just mailed him a card that is really cute and I wrote in it telling him I had a lot of fun playing with him when we visited. I threw in something to make him smile, halloween stickers.

Father's Day!

2007-06-17T10:54:00.000-04:00

Today is Father's Day and this morning I woke up to wish my boyfriend a Happy Father's Day. The father I was really thinking of was my dad that isn't here anymore. I wish he was here to give a hug to him and take him shopping like we have done in the past. I really miss him.

The other father that I think of today is my birthson, Nathan's father. He must be having some father's day this year given the two new additions. Three children aged three and under I imagine will make for an eventful day. I am thinking of Nathan having some fun with his daddy today. I am grateful that he has such a great daddy.

It's a beautiful day. I think I will go to the cemetery and take dad some flowers.

Welcome to the World.......

2007-05-25T18:25:00.000-04:00

Paula & George have two new additions to their family. Nathan is a big brother to two baby sisters, Jacqueline & Brianne. Mom and babes are well and I hear Nathan is very excited about his baby sisters. CONGRATULATIONS Paula, George & Nathan on your new additions! Welcome to the world, Jacqueline & Brianne!

Matthew and I couldn't be happier for you. I am thrilled beyond measure as I know how much you have dreamed of expanding your family. Matt and I love you and we look forward to meeting Jacqueline and Brianne. We also look forward to seeing Nathan in action as a big brother and hearing all the big brother stories.

Today is a BIG Day!

2007-05-24T01:46:00.000-04:00

Today, May 24, 2007, my little guy will become a big brother times two. I am so excited for him and his parents. It's hard to believe that just over three years ago they couldn't wait to become parents and had wanted that for so long and now they will be parents of three young children, three and under. WOW! I can only imagine how they must feel on the verge of having a houseful of children. I am thrilled for them.

I must admit I worry about how this will change our relationship. I imagine with three kids three and under there isn't going to be free time. I am so excited that Nathan will be a big brother but I also worry about if he will feel "different" because he is the one in the family who is "different". I can't wait to hear the big brother stories. Interesting mixed emotions.

I Hope He's Celebrating

2007-05-17T00:50:00.000-04:00

May 16th would have been my dad's 60th birthday. I spent much of my day thinking about him. 60 is a big one. Sadly he didn't get to see it. Dad loved red roses. I bought a dozen and took them to his grave. As I purchased them, I was sad to think about how I never gave him flowers when he was alive. Buying flowers for a guy just isn't something I would think of. I have bought flowers several times for my mom but never for dad. Okay so I can't say "never" now. It made me sad that he wasn't here to see them and for me to see his smile. Someone had already been to the grave and left a half a dozen long stem red roses in dad's vase, likely my sister or my little brother. I imagined dad smelling those roses and seeing his smile as he would have been so happy to have received 18 red roses today. On the drive to the cemetery, my son Matthew and I talked about my dad and laughed at some great memories of him. As we stood at his grave Matt and I hugged while I cried on his shoulder. He was hugging me tight because he wans't wearing a coat and he was cold. I didn't care why he was hugging me tight and was just happy that he was. As we hugged we talked about dad/grandpa. I believe in heaven but since dad has died, I often wonder if he is really up there looking down on us. I often wonder what he's doing if there is an afterlife. I hope he's celebrating.

2007-04-20T14:52:00.001-04:00

Never Alone - Music Video

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Love this song and need the reminder because, particularly with dad gone, I feel alone quite often.

Blogs

2007-04-15T18:14:00.000-04:00

As you can see I have started to add links to other people's blogs. Given my interest in adoption, it turns out that all the blogs I have added so far are written by people who have a connection to the adoption community. It's kind of funny when I check out who they have listed in their blog list and then find so many more "adoption blogs". I could spend hours reading blogs! I know many of you who come here are part of the adoption community too. If you check out the blogs listed you will find several birthmother's blogs, a few blogs by adoptive mothers and even a blog by the ever elusive birthfather and so far one by a reunited adoptee. I don't intend my blog to be an "adoption blog" as I will include all kinds of topics however I am sure that there will be many posts about the open adoption that I am involved in and about adoption in general.

I Miss My Dad

2007-04-10T18:51:00.000-04:00

Today I started a new job and this week will be commuting to Guelph, ON. Driving down highway 7 means that I drive right past the cemetary where my dad is buried. I hadn't been to the cemetary in a couple of weeks and driving by there at 7:30 this morning was hard. I ended up crying. Not so wonderful to start crying while driving to the first day of a new job. On the way home, I stopped at the cemetary. It's hard to believe that dad's gone forever. So I have been sad much of today. I guess I get to drive by the cemetary all week. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

I Love You Dad!

2007-03-31T04:23:00.000-04:00

Dad & Nathan

It's been a tough month. On March 5th, the day of my little guy's 3rd birthday, I found out that my dad had died. :( Here is the eulogy I wrote for his funeral which was on March 9, 2007. Given I didn't read it but just used it as a guide, it is not word for word what I said but it's pretty close.

I was going to share a bit with you about dad's passions. However Tanya (my sister) beat me to the punch. So I will share a bit with you about my dad's love for his family. First, I’d like to share a short poem with you.

Love Lives On
Those we love remain with us
for love itself lives on,
and cherished memories never fade
because a loved one's gone.
Those we love can never be
more than a thought apart,
for as long as there is memory,
they'll live on in the heart.

If we have any country music fans here, you may know the Brad Paisley song, “He Didn’t Have to Be”. It’s a song from a little boys perspective about his wonderful step-father. The song says, “When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new it always ends up being more like a job interview. My mom used to wonder if she would ever met someone who wouldn't find out about me and turn around and run”. Being a single mom myself for the past 18 years I understand how special a young man in his 20’s is who will date a woman with three young children. When dad started dating my mom, she had three children, Johnny was 8 yrs old, I had just turned 5 and my brother Ken was only 8 months old. Dad not only didn’t turn around and run but he stepped up to the plate and became my daddy. He instantly became the father of three children.

I always thought of my dad any time I heard that song, "He Didn't Have to Be". Since the first time I ever heard that song, I wanted my dad to hear it. Last summer I finally played it for him when I went to visit him. He was in the backyard with his dogs and I told him he had to come to my car so that I could play him this special song. He came and leaned in my car window while listening to the song. I told him what that song meant to me. We hugged each other and he said, "That's a nice song" and then he went back to his dogs.

Dad urned to have more children. After being an amazing father to John, Ken and I for 4-5 yrs he was thrilled when his precious daughter, Tanya, was born. She become his little princess. I recall a time when Tanya was about four years old when she and dad were dancing around the kitchen. Well as much as dad could dance, you know that straight-legged dance, with Tanya standing on his feet. I remember them dancing around the kitchen like that and laughing and smiling. Dad wanted a son who would carry on the Nikolica name. He was proud as a peacock when my brother Dan was born.

Dad was always there for me, no matter what I needed. He was always the first person that I thought to call when I needed help with anything. I had my first son, Matthew, when I was still a high school student. When he wasn’t at work dad volunteered to babysit Matthew for me when needed. On more then one occasion when Matthew was very young dad brought me diapers and milk to help me take care of my baby. He drove me to the Toronto airport a few times. Dad was the man I called when I popped my tire on my car and needed to go and get a new one. He was always there to help me out.

In 2003, I drove dad to London several times for his cancer treatments. We cherished the hour long drive each way as we talked non-stop for the two hours we spent in the car. It was a priviledge to be there for him then and to listen to him talk about his troubles. We were there for each other. I thought we would lose him over three yrs ago when the cancer treatments ravaged his body. That’s when I started telling him every time I talked to him, whether on the phone or in person, “I love you dad”.

Even when dad was suffering himself he would go out of his way to show me and others that he loved us. I was pregnant with my second child in 2003, and I didn’t think he would live to meet my baby. Not only did he live to meet Nathan but he came to see us at the hospital. I was overjoyed when he got to share in the joy of the birth of his fouth grandchild. At the time, I was suffering from severe depression when I made the most difficult decision I am sure I will ever make in my life. I decided to place my newborn baby for adoption. Nathan’s adoption is an open adoption, meaning I have an ongoing relationship with Nathan and his parents. I chose his parents and when I was only 5 months pregnant, I went out to dinner with them, my son Matthew and my dad. Dad spent about three hours talking to the couple I had selected to become my baby’s parents and he was pleased with my choice. Dad was a good judge of character and he told me Nathan would do well with Paula and George as his parents. Dad completely understood my decision and supported me through the most difficult time in my life. Over the ten months following Nathan’s birth, I cried on my dad’s shoulder on a regular basis. I repeatedly expressed my grief to my dad and he was there to hug me and hold my hand.

Dad has seen Nathan a number of times and he always beamed, like he did when he held any of his grandchildren, when he got to hold Nathan. Each year I throw a birthday party for Nathan. Dad not only attended the first two but he was happy to cook lunch for all the party goers. If you have ever tasted my dad’s cooking or if you know of his passion for cooking then you will understand why I asked him to cook the meal. Both years he made his famous stuffed peppers. Nathan’s adoptive mom is Hungarian and I was telling her about dad’s amazing stuffed peppers. She said her mom is Hungarian and Hungarians make the best stuffed peppers. I told her that she would change he mind about that once she tasted my dad’s stuffed peppers. After Nathan’s first birthday party, she agreed that there was no competing, dad made the best stuffed peppers. Nathan’s third birthday party is tomorrow. Dad was supposed to be there. Sadly he will be greatly missed at that party as he will be in the rest of my life.

In recent years there were two things that dad really wanted. He wanted to know that his children were going to be okay. He wanted to see Dan living on his own and doing well. About a year and a half ago Danny moved out of mom and dad’s house and dad was able to see that Danny is doing well. He talked for years about his dream to see my sister Tanya get married. In May that dream came true. It was one of the happiest days of dad’s life.

There is noone who has had a bigger impact on my life than my dad. He was the one person who was consistently there for me. It’s hard to believe that he won’t be anymore. I want to say, one last time, while he's still here, while his body is still here with us, “I love you dad”.