Sneek Peek

Here is a tiny sneak peek until after the long weekend because Montreal, here I come, for the first time ever!

Excitement in the Air!

It's been a long time since I have blogged here but this blog shall not die! It's time to revive it. I can look back and see how much I have not documented and now I wish I had. It's important to document this open adoption journey and hopefully some day it will mean a lot to my son that I have documented our time together.

I am excited for Friday to get here. It will be only the second time ever, that I will be able to go out in the community with Nathan and enjoy a little one on one time with him. The first time was the week he turned four, (maybe it was three but I think it was four) when we enjoyed two hrs at McDonald's together. We had lunch there and I learned that like his older brother, my little sweetheart loves extra pickles on his hamburger. We then open birthday gifts and he was none to pleased to receive yet another book. "Not another book, I have a million books" *Sigh*. I haven't forgotten that one but I want him to share my love of books so I will continue to get him books. He perked up when I gave him a game for his Leapster. So this was our last outing together.

This time we are going to a park together. I imagine his mom will drop us off, like she had last time. I will be sure to have my camera along with me. After some time in the park, little guy's parents and siblings will join us and we will all go for ice cream at his favourite place. A one on one outing and ice cream? It's no wonder excitement is in the air!

Happy Birthday Precious Little Guy!

It's hard to believe that it's been almost four and a half years since I stood in a lawyer's office hugging Nathan's parents after first setting eyes on them. The exact day we met was November 2, 2003. Almost four months to they day later, March 5th, our little sweetheart was born. Has four years really already passed? It goes so quick! The days leading up to his birthday, I tend to be hyper alert, thinking about him and his family even more then I already do. March 5th is a day that I always think of "my little guy" from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY SWEET NATHAN! I love you.

Conflicting Emotions

It was one year ago today or tomorrow that we lost my stepdad. Noone was home with him so we are not sure when he died, can only guess based on what he was doing at the time. My stepdad was really my dad as he raised me from age four. He meant the world to me. Besides my elder son, dad was the only member of my family who supported my decision to place my baby for adoption. He was also the only one who supported openness and had a relationship with N. That makes his loss all the more difficult. Dad and my elder son, Matt, were the only two family members to whom I could openly talk about N and his family.

It's my birthson's fourth birthday on Wednesday. It was actually that day, one year ago that I found out that my dad was gone. As most birthmother's will attest, our birth child's birthday is an odd day emotionally. Adding to that the emotions of finding out that day that we had lost my dad, made it even more difficult. I find I am sad leading up to N's bday. Then the day of his birthday, I usually feel a weird mixture of being sad and yet so happy all in one. Makes for an emotional week. Friday I will actually be taking him out to lunch! I am still in shock at that one, as it's a first for us. His mom will be dropping us off at McDonald's and picking us up. We will enjoy the hamburgers or chicken nuggets or whatever it is that Nathan like's to eat at McDonald's and then have fun playing!

Sometimes it's Difficult

Sometimes being a birthmom is really difficult. Today was one of those tough emotional days. Thinking too much....

Adoption Connections - Canada Adoption Forum & Parent Registry

Just to clarify as I have had a number of people ask for clarification, the website I mentioned in my previous entry is called Adoption Connections not Adoption Connection. It is an adoption website based out of Canada. The site has an adoption forum, a parent registry where individuals considering adoption can locate adoptive parents, and consultation services that assist adoptive parents with writing an adoption profile. You may locate Adoption Connections at www.adoptionconnections.ca

Adoption Connections

I am very excited about my new venture. In October I became the new owner of a new canadian adoption website. The site is called Adoption Connections and can be found at www.adoptionconnections.ca. Although the site is based out of Ontario, Canada, visitors have come from a number of countries and are welcome to participate. Have questions about the adoption system in Canada? Want to share your story or find others in your situation to talk with? Join in the Adoption Connections forums. Whether you are an adoptive parent, hopeful adoptive parents, considering adoption for your child, a birth parent, an adoptee or any other member of an adoptive or birth family, there is someone else at Adoption Connections who has been where you are now. The Adoption Connections forums are a means of supporting others in the adoption community.

Adoption Connections offers a brand new forum and all members of the triad, as well as their extended families are welcome on the forums. Adoption Connections also offers a Parent Registry where couples can have their profile displayed so that potential birth families can easily find the family they are seeking.

Adoption Connections also offers consulting services on your profile. If you don't know where to start and would like a little guidance and direction, as well as feedback on your profile, I would be happy to assist you. There is a link on the site that explains this service.

Our sister site, www.adoptionprofiles.ca is an excellent site for those wishing assistance with giving their profile that extra zip. I have seen profiles that Charmaine has put together and they are beautiful and really capture the essence of each adoptive family. There is a link on Adoption Connections to Adoption Profiles.

We hope to see you at www.adoptionconnections.ca soon.

Funny Boy

I asked Paula what Nathan was going to be for Halloween. I got quite the chuckle from her reply. Here it is: "Nathan is going as Bob the Builder, however, he keeps telling people that he’s going as a gardener standing on a stick!" Where do kids get these things from? :)

A Wonderful Visit!

I am still on a high from the wonderful day that September 16th turned out to be. My son Matthew moved out in late August to go to school in another city. September 16th we had a visit with Nathan and his family. So I got to see Matt too and it's always wonderful to see the boys together. I miss Matt so it was nice to spend that time together.

However that wasn't even the most wonderful part. Our visits with Nathan and his family are usually two to three hours long. This latest visit was seven hours long. The exciting part is that Nathan was practically glued to me. Usually I have to convince him to play with me. Naturally he would rather play with Matthew or play or cuddle with his parents. Usually when we walk in the door he yells, "Matt, Matt, Matt". He has never shown excitement in seeing me at previous visits. This time Matt arrived 30 mins before I did and when I arrived Nathan come to the door yelling, "Shelley, Shelley, Shelley". Needless to say that made me smile.

We spent a couple of hours playing. Matt, Nathan and I played together and after a while Matt was hanging out with Nathan's dad and Nathan and I spent some time playing just the two of us. You know boys and dirt, well we dug up dirt with his trucks for quite some time. It was fun to be playing with Nathan for a length of time rather then just a few mins here and there. I got pictures of the boys playing with the trucks and dirt together, as well as pictures of Nathan and I playing in the dirt.

Nathan, Matt and George had fun in the pool while I took pictures of them. It's really very special to see Matt and Nathan laughing together. I also absolutely adore watching Nathan with his dad.

At one point, I went into the house as I could hear Nathan's sister's both crying and his mom was alone with both babies in the house. I had left Nathan outside with his dad and Matthew. I took one of the girls to her room and was rocking her and feeding her. That brought back memories of doing that with both Matthew and Nathan. After only a few mins Nathan's mom brought Nathan up and sat him on the foot stool in front of me. Paula said that Nathan had been looking for me and wanted to talk to me. He sat there and talked up a storm. It was so wonderful. He's so funny. He was explaining to me that he had two baby sisters, named Brianne and Jacqueline but he didn't know which one I was feeding. I told him that I was feeding Brianne and he told me again how there were "two babies but I don't know which one this is". It was so cute and funny.

As I was feeling Brianne, Nathan was asking me to read him a book. After I burped Brianne and put her to bed, Nathan and I climbed into his bed together to read story books. He immediately cuddled right up to me. He doesn't usually do that. We read two stories, one about Valentine's Day and one about Halloween. I was loving having him cuddled right into me like he was. In the midst of the second story I went to get Matt to come and take pictures. We got some really wonderful pictures. I will definately have to blow at least one of them up and frame it.

While reading the story about Halloween I told Nathan that Halloween is Matt's birthday. He asked, "Matt who?" That was so funny because Nathan adores Matthew. I told him, "Matthew that's downstairs with your dad, your brother Matthew". I have always referred to Matt as Nathan's brother to him and Nathan has never questioned it before. I knew one day it would happen. He said, "Matt's not my brother" and had this really confused look on his face. I told him that Matt was his brother and he could ask his mom about it. He said "ok". Nathan doesn't know the full story yet. He knows that he grew in my "belly" but he doesn't understand and he doesn't know the term birthmother yet. I felt a little pang when he said that Matt wasn't his brother but I also understood how he wouldn't get it yet. He'll get there. Over a year ago I gave him the children's book, "A Koala for Katie". I saw it on his nightstand and it was well worn. George also mentioned that they are now reading it to him. So I know the education is happening and that some day he will understand our relationship. Nathan wanted me to read him a third story but it was time for dinner.

We also had ice cream and Nathan wanted me to sit at his little plastic table with him to eat our ice cream. I have some pretty funny pictures of me with my long legs sitting at that tiny table. It was so wonderful that he wanted me there.

Interestingly enough, I discovered that two foods I really can't stand, mustard and blueberries, are also foods that Nathan doesn't like. That was kind of neat to find out.

I definately felt special and like Nathan and I are finally starting to connect. I will never forget that visit. This is one that I definately need to scrapbook and soon before my memories fade. It seems I was not the only one who was pleased with this visit. Paula emailed me and shared that the next morning Nathan was asking when Matt and I will be coming to visit again.

I have never sent Nathan anything in the mail before. I just mailed him a card that is really cute and I wrote in it telling him I had a lot of fun playing with him when we visited. I threw in something to make him smile, halloween stickers.

Father's Day!

Today is Father's Day and this morning I woke up to wish my boyfriend a Happy Father's Day. The father I was really thinking of was my dad that isn't here anymore. I wish he was here to give a hug to him and take him shopping like we have done in the past. I really miss him.

The other father that I think of today is my birthson, Nathan's father. He must be having some father's day this year given the two new additions. Three children aged three and under I imagine will make for an eventful day. I am thinking of Nathan having some fun with his daddy today. I am grateful that he has such a great daddy.

It's a beautiful day. I think I will go to the cemetery and take dad some flowers.