Conflicting Emotions

It was one year ago today or tomorrow that we lost my stepdad. Noone was home with him so we are not sure when he died, can only guess based on what he was doing at the time. My stepdad was really my dad as he raised me from age four. He meant the world to me. Besides my elder son, dad was the only member of my family who supported my decision to place my baby for adoption. He was also the only one who supported openness and had a relationship with N. That makes his loss all the more difficult. Dad and my elder son, Matt, were the only two family members to whom I could openly talk about N and his family.

It's my birthson's fourth birthday on Wednesday. It was actually that day, one year ago that I found out that my dad was gone. As most birthmother's will attest, our birth child's birthday is an odd day emotionally. Adding to that the emotions of finding out that day that we had lost my dad, made it even more difficult. I find I am sad leading up to N's bday. Then the day of his birthday, I usually feel a weird mixture of being sad and yet so happy all in one. Makes for an emotional week. Friday I will actually be taking him out to lunch! I am still in shock at that one, as it's a first for us. His mom will be dropping us off at McDonald's and picking us up. We will enjoy the hamburgers or chicken nuggets or whatever it is that Nathan like's to eat at McDonald's and then have fun playing!